Tidbits...

Blogs are funny things- sometimes portraying only the good little tidbits leading us to see a glimpse of the lives of others- making up the rest in our heads.  As I was looking through photos I found myself smiling in spite of the fact that I have been locked in my room for the last three hours just to escape the very people who put that smile on my face.  

 I started the day teaching yoga to the staff at a teen homeless shelter- amazing.  Soon after my arrival home the whining, crying, arguing, instigating, and overall melting down began and I haven't recovered yet.  I need a serious time out!

 Finally, at the age of 6 1/2, my little Jack has started losing teeth.  I have to be honest it made me a little sad that my baby is really growing up:(

 Don't let this face fool you- he has been quite the handful lately.  Behaviors that have been encouraged by his oldest brother- which is a whole other story I can't even put to words!

 This is his version of a hippie and things he likes to do instead of his math pages.  He has somehow managed to teach himself to read.  I have spent much less time on reading with him than any other kid and he is reading words I can't believe- 

 This cutie joined the family in October- his name is Chewy- short for Chewbacca- and he sure does sound like Chewbacca!!  He is Hayden's dog but we all love him except for Marah- she is finally willing to tolerate him after all these months.  She really hates dogs but I feel strongly that she cannot live in fear of animals- she already has enough worries- poor kid- just like me!

We said good-bye to Thunder last week.  He was such a protective dog- we all were sad- Jack especially- he was obsessed with the fact that it wasn't fair because he knew Thunder for the least amount of time.  He is a sensitive boy and has lately been dismayed by the fact that the girls have each other to play with and he has no one:( 

 The little peeps heart attacked our bedroom door and hallway for Valentine's Day.  It was so sweet especially since Ken and I aren't much for holiday celebrations- we are just happy to get away for the occasional meal out these days.  Poor guy has been working nights for the last 3 weeks- it is hard on both him and the rest of the family as well.  Living life in the nighttime hours is good for no one!!

 Jack has been working on this lego tower for months and months.  He loves lego sets and has such concentration.  It is the only time he is quiet- I'm so not joking- the only time.

The girls are growing up and become quite the fashionistas.  I am quite concerned that the teen-age train is headed our way.  Autumn has developed a seizure disorder that is pretty benign- although scary to watch- she should outgrow it in a few years. She handles it really well and we've started medication that should stop the seizures.   Marah is quite the comedian with the family flair for sarcasm- it is funny and a little frightening all at the same time.  Hayden is loving life while working with the spoken word non-profit called Brave New Alaskan Voices.  He does workshops and just got back from doing a few in California.  

After the horrible month of January- we were all the sickest we have ever been- well just the adults and it sucked!!  I decided to try a new anxiety/obsessive thoughts medication and all I can say is WOW!!  I have been living this last year and a half white knuckling through without even realizing it.  Although I accomplished many things I was struggling so much with my thoughts and holding on so tight for fear of completely losing it- in the end it seems amazing to me all the things I did accomplish.  I am feeling much better- I can't explain the relief I feel when my thoughts are not controlling me.  It is a little joke among my friends that when they are feeling panicky, anxiety filled, and stressed out they all say- I can't believe Susan lives like this on a daily basis!! Neither can I!!

The bedtime crying has finally stopped- please let us have hope for a more calm and peaceful day tomorrow!!

Childhood Revoked...

I was eight- you left on Christmas morning and never came back.  The last day of childhood for me- I know others have been through much worse but that was my pain.  It was the day that I stopped being a little girl and became a watcher.  A watcher of what things were coming next to turn my life upside down.  A watcher of the life I knew disappearing- replaced by emotions and circumstances I had no control over and didn't understand.  I became a seeker of control.  A seeker of what was wrong with me.  A seeker of someone to love me like a father should.  A seeker of some kind of reason this was happening to my eight year old self.

That little girl lives in me still and sometimes it feels like she takes over.  She takes over when I am consumed by fear of what the next thing is that will turn my world upside down.  She takes over when I see pictures of you with your family of choice.  When I see that you are a grandpa- my kids don't have one of those.  The little girl in me screams it's not fair- where the hell were you when I needed a father?  The grown woman in me says forgive- we all make mistakes- I've made some whoppers.

I thought I could reconnect with you and this hole inside of me would be healed somehow.  Then I realized that was a tall order for me and you.  You made the hole but I will make myself whole.  I saw a picture of you-  the man I remembered- tall, brown hair, mustache, glasses, plaid shirt, leather jacket- all those things so very familiar to me even when I hadn't seen them in so long.  It was close to the time you left and cuddled up beside you was the woman you would also hurt- but you would stay with her and there you would find your family.  You moved on- while I cried and prayed for you to come back, while I never felt good enough, while I was scared all the time, and while I felt like it was up to me to make everyone happy again.  The little girl in me screams why, how could you, it isn't fair.

In the depth of my soul I can find understanding and forgiveness.  What I cannot find is anyway to let you back in.  You broke a part of me.  That part is still so fragile and it is my job to make that part whole again. For me that means letting you go to the family you chose- without looking back on all the what if''s and why's.  It means understanding that my childhood may affect me but does not define me.  It means taking care of that little girl and protecting her from any further hurt- finally.