More Slammin

Warning...this poem is about Michael-watch at your own emotional risk...

Chicago Slam 2013

Hayden went to Chicago with Brave New Alaskan Voices to perform his slam poetry.  He is very passionate about this program and I am so proud of him!  These kids put themselves on the line and immerse themselves in full on vulnerability.  They slam about emotionally charged and sometimes controversial topics that some may find offensive.  

I find thought provoking emotions being spoken about and connections being made with each other on deeper levels.  Often, when we find ourselves offended it is an opportunity for learning and understanding of someone or something we are unfamiliar with or don't understand.  A time to find common ground with our brothers and sisters.

Hayden is a huge example to me- he has constructive ways to let out his feelings and emotions.  When he finds passion in something he is not afraid to pursue his dreams.  He created a job for himself within the Brave New Alaskan Voices organization and is realizing his dream which inspires me to shoot for mine!!

Warrior...

Childhood trauma leaves an imprint-a part of yourself that doesn't change and I am learning to treat that part of myself with kindness.  I know now when and why I became a worrier- some of it was my natural disposition- the rest was the result of trauma.  I am learning to nurture that part of myself instead of fighting her constantly- which by the way only seems to spiral the worrying to higher places.  The interesting thing to me is that it wasn't until my own daughter- the one who worries like me- became the same age that I was when my worries began- only then was I able to recognize how much I changed at that age.  It is empowering to visit childhood issues with the intention of using the information to heal old wounds and find strength in the hurt.  This is the effect I find while in therapy.  This is what therapy is supposed to do- heal and create new tools for the toolbox we need to navigate this life.  

The first time I ever went to a yoga class I left and thought- what just happened in there?  I couldn't even put words to the way I was feeling.  After learning more about yoga I realized that on my mat I was continually in the present moment- that is most certainly not the way I live my day to day life!  Even after 5 years of regular practice and becoming a registered yoga teacher I still struggle to live mindfully- especially when it comes to food.  Imagine my surprise to find one of the most effective tools that I can use to keep my worrying at bay is mindfulness.  I feel like I knew this deep inside and that is why I continue to be so drawn to yoga. Mindfulness is also one of the most difficult things for me to do! 

I found this while perusing the interweb and can I just say WOW- that is exactly how I feel when I roll out my mat and begin my practice.  I also feel this while teaching and guiding others through their own practice.  Life is difficult and also full of joy- I know for sure that while I navigate through and try to release behaviors that are no longer serving me it will be rough for awhile but in the end I will be living more wholeheartedly- I am already having moments and they feel deeply fulfilling.

A List...

What I have been doing lately-
-finding out that my anti-anxiety meds were actually giving me anxiety!
-teaching gentle yoga every Monday night
-getting certified to teach Curvy Yoga
-spending a fabulous week with the our lovely family from Chicago
-going to Jack's soccer games 3 nights a week
-going deep in childhood traumas in hopes of making a stronger foundation for the future
-reading and listening to Brene Brown every spare minute
-working on setting boundaries
-preparing for our upcoming homeschool year
-getting my cardio on
-dreaming of March when my sister and I rock out in Nashville- I see cowboy boots in my future
-learning to navigate having adult children
-realizing teaching yoga and practicing yoga are two completely different things!
-getting inspiration from my Jill's Jams cd's from my sister
-coming to grips with the fact that faith has little to do with actually attending church
-realizing that I have more faith that I thought
-figuring out a way we can live closer to family
-attending poetry slams and being blown away every time
-wondering why I continue to get addicted to diet cherry coke!
-reading, reading, reading
-realizing that yes despite my loudness I am actually an introvert- I always knew that but convincing others is a completely different story

Sometimes it just feels good to make a list of what you've been doing- especially when it seems you've been up to nothing!

Brene Brown=Amazing!

This is completely true and makes me feel much less crazy...

Well said...by my sister

Thursday, July 4, 2013

Day 6: Firsts and Anniversaries

 

Anniversaries...a moment in time that people believe they need to hold as a capture of who they are or where they have been in their lives. For me, I have never understood anniversaries. They seem to be one moment in time that is supposed to define who we are and what we have accomplished. I never believed in anniversaries myself. In fact, I didn't even go to my college graduation. I always believed that one moment in time should not define all the work you have put into your life and all you have accomplished. This is still how I feel today.
 
When I think aboout today, I don't want us to remember one moment in time. Instead, I want everyone to remember Michael for the 37 years he touched our lives. I want to remember him for all he brought into our lives. Over the course of this year, I have learned many things about myself and the girls...much of which can be connected back to Michael...

Resilience...wow, such a simple word, but something that holds such power. I learned from the best. Michael was one of the most resilient people I know and without the lessons I learned from him over the course of nineteen years, I wouldn't be able to "dig deep" as he would say and find who I am now.

Deviousness...Michael, such a secretly devious individual. I see it in Ally and Ella and love it so much. It makes me smile when I see their "bad" girl side and how they secretly love to be silly and make you laugh. You need to be in their "inner circle" to see it...so Michael.

These are just two things I want to write about today. Really, there are so many different ways that Michael has touched all of our lives, we could write about for days. We all have our funny moments and stories to share. That's what we need to remember and continue to cherish. Michael was a one of a kind individual who touched everyone's lives. He was dynamic, larger than life. In fact, many times I have often thought that his heart was just too big for this world. So, when you think about today, I want you to remember the 37 years, not just today. I want you to remember how he impacted your life and how you can keep those memories moving forward.

We watched Lion King the other day and the message was real...I know, crazy, but real...
If we forget ourselves, we forget those that have touched our lives. We always need to look inside ourselves and remember who we have become...

Remember, Michael touched your life in some way. Take that message and carry it with you. Embrace it and remember who he was and the tremendous impact he had on your life. He was creative, spectacular, loving, funny, and all other things that you can think of today and tomorrow. 

Official...

Well, it's official, I am a 200 hour registered yoga teacher!!!  I am teaching a weekly Gentle Yoga class Monday nights 5:30pm at Inner Dance Yoga and can hardly believe it!

-My Bio-

Susan sought out yoga due to a back injury. After several months of attending classes weekly, she was pain free and discovered the added benefit of an overall sense of well-being and body acceptance. Living in a curvy body she has spent many years struggling with body image and self-acceptance. While on her mat she discovered a peace within and solace from negative self-talk. She took a leap of faith and completed the Inner Dance Teacher Training Program in 2013. It is Susan’s dream to guide people of all shapes, sizes, ages, and abilities to a place of self-acceptance through the beautiful practice of yoga.

Another Recital Gone By...

This girl cracks me up and has definitely inherited the family flair for sarcasm and humor!

 I love this age when they aren't yet embarrassed to be goofy.

 Jack, of course, had his own poses!

 Autumn is super sweet and very caring- an example to all of us.

 I am trying to treasure each moment as of late because I know the crazy teen-age train is just around the corner waiting for us all to get on- ugh!

 This was the final pose of their dance- they did spectacular!

 Adorable:)

It seems like everyone is growing up so fast and I'm glad I am a little older and wiser this time around.  I feel as if I appreciate things much more and I'm sure my older children would agree that I am way more laid back.  It sure makes life easier that way:)

Sweet times...

The girls were so happy with their new outfits.

 It is difficult to find appropriate skirts for them so when I saw these at Target I scooped them up!

 I love that they have a brother who is so much older and fun!

 It's hard to believe Hayden is almost 18 and looks about 25!!

 Jack was in pure heaven although you wouldn't know it by his face!

 I love that this boy will still give me lots of hugs and smooches- as an added plus he loves to cuddle- he says it's because I'm always so warm:)

Six...

All this boy wanted for his birthday was a whoopy cushion- and you cannot believe how difficult these things are to find- when did this happen??

 Of course, it wouldn't be right to just get one so all the little peeps got their own and there was so much giggling it was hilarious.  He also got legos and a harmonica- he built this little barrier so the little troublemaker below wouldn't get his stuff..

The Troublemaker- We love her so much!!!

 This is a perfect example of a time when you think you look much better than you actually do- I was seriously disturbed and still am!

 Love these peeps!

 Pure Joy and Deliciousness!!

Easter...

My little peeps love having Paul and Laura here because they are much more fun than Ken and I!!!  

 We spent Easter at their house and had a very yummy dinner and they graciously provided lots of entertainment for the children!

 Easter is always snowy in the AK so what else to do but have an outdoor Easter egg hunt along with building a snow Easter bunny- of course!

 They even made ears out of wood and used eggs for the eyes:)

 Paul was thoroughly worn out by the time they were finished!

It was the first time in a long, long while that we had 5 Easter baskets sitting on the table- it has been very nice having all 5 children under the same roof for awhile:)

Troubling...

This year has changed me...I know now how short life is and am unwilling to accept some lifelong issues- therefore I am back in therapy... again:)  Self acceptance and self love why, oh why, are these things so difficult for me personally and women in general?  I read an article where an interpreter was trying to explain to the Dalai Lama what low self-esteem was- guess what, it took him minutes to explain as this is not a prevalent problem in his country- I may need to move!

Yoga teacher training is coming to an end and I feel a great sense of accomplishment followed by negative thoughts about my body...why?, this training was intense, I kept up with everyone and held my own, my fellow trainees respect the work I've done and are super supportive, I've been able to share yoga with friends and family and that fills me with joy, I am satisfied with the progress I've made, yet somewhere deep inside of me I still feel not good enough.  Guess what, I am so sick of it...no more time wasted on these kinds of thoughts- hence the therapy:)

It's been helping, the therapy, I feel these shifts inside of me-they feel right and real.  Yet still, there are so many negative messages in the world asking us to do crazy diets, dress a certain way, act a certain way, be like this or that so others will like us,- it is exhausting.  The closer I get to loving and accepting myself the more I seem to see and feel these messages - it feels like a tug-of-war.

The good news is I feel like I'm winning!!  I'm learning skillful tools and some of the underlying reasons I have the thoughts I do.  It's work and that is what troubles me-  not for myself-well a little for myself,  but for my daughters, for your daughters, for all women and men.  What are we doing, where do we get these ideas and how, oh how, are we going to defeat these worldly messages that are so damaging!!

One woman at a time I think...I could weep with joy as I watched each woman in this video see herself as others see her- it is time to start seeing how uniquely beautiful each one of us is and to see the beauty in each other.

Dear God,

Please let us see our own unique beauty,

Please let our daughters grow up knowing their worth,

Please help us to look at one another and see what you see,

Let the road to healing begin.

Amen                                                             

Sweet, Sweet, Deliciousness...