Christianity and The Mental Hospital...

I love women who put it all out there with no apology!  I also love women who share stories that resonate with my soul.  Glennon Doyle Melton- one more woman to add to my list of everyday heroes.

She gets it- and by it I mean the true meaning of Christianity-   being a person who tries to follow the example of how Jesus Christ lived his life.  A person who cares much less about the rules and much more about loving all people- because like it or not we are all connected.  My favorite part- we have nothing to be ashamed of- 

 

A Beautiful Mess...

Life is messy and beautiful.  The problem is I have never liked messiness...like never ever.  Much of my life has been spent avoiding the messes at all cost.  I have a special power one that I've been trying so hard to hide because it is both beautiful and messy and in order to avoid the mess I have to also hide the beautiful.  I was born with a sensitive heart one that can truly feel what another feels, one that sees the plight of people especially those who others dismiss, one that feels things deeply and on a primal level and that hurts.  Because I've been trying so hard to get rid of the messy I think I have missed out on a lot of beautiful.  I need to learn to manage this special power with a bit more mindfulness- I don't want to miss any more beautiful but I don't want to be beat down with the messy-AAAHHH!!

I attended a memorial fundraiser for a girl who was beautiful- she was also pretty- but beautiful because she had a light shining from within.  I didn't know her very well but felt like I did because I saw her light and that automatically made me feel connected.  Her name was Nesi and after listening to people share their stories about her I felt a certain vindication.  I may not have know her well in her personal life but my soul knew hers.  I recognized her light and felt connected and that is why I hurt so much when she died so unexpectedly.  I was so comforted when I went to her memorial fundraiser, to see her children and family laughing together, dancing, and celebrating her life and light.  I left smiling and feeling lighter inside than I had in weeks.

This is what woke me up- I was looking for excuses all week about why I couldn't go.  I could think of many- I am an introvert and excuses of why I can't do things are a plenty!  When I finally sat quietly with myself I decided I could do the memorial fundraiser but would skip the actual funeral.  It was the right decision for me and I knew that because I felt it deep inside my soul. It would have been so easy to not find time for the quiet and to just not go but I would have missed out on the beautiful.

The quiet is hard because sometimes I don't like the answers I hear.  Some of them mean life changes that involve conflicts with those I love, doing things that make me uncomfortable, questioning things I have accepted for years, realizing that I have changed over the years and that is okay, and realizing that I need to take action on what I find in the quiet otherwise I am not living a life that is true to myself or a life that God wants me to live.  Messy, messy, messy stuff- life is for warriors- albeit in my case a gentle warrior.

The Tude...

In our family we have an inherited trait called The Tude... yes, that it short for attitude.  It involves door slamming, yelling, stomping, and sometimes a bat crap crazy fit that somehow leaves you feeling cleansed and that life can finally go on.  I would say we all have it- some of us more strongly than others.

I used to feel bad about this- not anymore!!  I've learned to manage The Tude better- it's hard when you're younger and hormones and emotions run rampant:)  The Tude is what makes us each hate being told what to do, it makes our skin crawl when we know we are not standing in our own truth, it is what keeps us fighting for equality among all people, it is what lets us be ourselves in spite of what other people in our lives want, it is what drives us to continue learning and taking care of ourselves when so often we are taught to forget ourselves and take care of others- to be clear I'm not against taking care of others but self-care is a must and it is not selfish!!!  Finally, I think this Tude is what gets us up when all we want to do is stay down.

It is interesting raising children with this same Tude- and easy to recognize when I see it in behaviors that drive me crazy:)  I am grateful for this because I don't want to be a person who follows whatever other people want nor do I want this for my children- even when the person doing the wanting is me.  I'm proud of each of them for following their own hearts even when I don't always understand the way they are going.

I plan to fill my reserves of living a truthful and joyful life this year by practicing gratitude.  That is gratitude as a verb not a noun.  That means that even in the darkest of times I find some one thing to be grateful for- no matter how small or ordinary.  I believe it is in the ordinary that our true happiness lies and it is our job to hold onto that when life seems to be throwing us crap storm after crap storm.  I have had enough crap storms for awhile but somehow I don't think that is going to stop them from coming so I will cling to practicing gratitude for the times when I will need it the most.