Reflections...

I love the New Year!! Reflecting on the things I have learned and planting seeds of intention for the year to come excites and inspires me. Last year was full of personal growth that overflowed to my family-

As women we so often put our own needs last serving everyone around us while our own buckets run completely dry. There is a fine line between being selfish and caring for ourselves. I know like so many others my bucket was empty and I had no idea how to fill it- and then I learned!!

I went to therapy. I'm not ashamed to admit I couldn't figure out how to handle the worry and anxiety that was taking over my life-literally taking it over. Not a day went by that I didn't worry about something horrible happening to my children or husband. These worries became stories in my mind that I couldn't control. They would take me to dark places throughout the day that I couldn't escape from and finally I grew tired of it.
Yoga was the eye opener that made me realize life for me could be different. I felt so free and peaceful on my yoga mat and I knew if I could find a way to carry that feeling into my daily living things would change. The process is slow and sometimes frustrating but it works!!

My therapist was wonderful and had great tools for my anxiety- one of which was walking while being mindful of nature instead of walking and running through the stories in my mind. My three to four times a week of yoga helped to reinforce that I can live a different way. There are so many eternal truths and moral teachings in yoga and no matter what religion a person is those truths still apply. We are all so much more alike that we are different:)

Some of the things I have learned are:
-Our children are gifts to us. Little people that are here to teach us more than we could ever teach them!
-We have taught our children to be independent and true to their beliefs. When we respect their independence and beliefs there is more room for learning.
-The world is full of messages that are just plain destructive to our spirits. Stillness brings us closer to our true spirits and guides us each to the lives we are here to live.
-Time away from my family that is spent healing and rejuvenating my soul benefits everyone. Then when I am present with them I can be more fully in the moment and they can tell the difference.
-When I say I can't do something there is no need for an explanation. People only want an explanation to decide for themselves if my reason for saying no is good enough for them- hence no explanation necessary:)
-Yoga makes my spirit feel alive!! It is my passion and I am going to use that passion to become a yoga teacher! I want to work with others who are bigger like me and teen-age girls who are having a hard time- I'm scared and excited all at the same time:)
-I have learned to live more fully in daily life. Before, I wanted to control everything because it made me feel safe. I have accepted that so much is out of my control but living each day to the fullest is one of the few things I can control- that and the madness of my mind:)

For the last few years I have chosen a word of intention. I believe for this coming year my word will be HOPE- for the first time since I can remember I feel like having hope will not crush me. It will all be okay or as my beautiful friend likes to say- All is Well!!

Ho, Ho, Ho...

My heart feels like it will burst when I look at these little people!!

Thinking...

Thinking can be a dangerous thing- or a freeing and glorious thing depending on where these pesky little thoughts take me. I found out that my friend from years ago died unexpectedly and have been thinking about her lots. We drifted apart when she moved and honestly I haven't thought about her for quite some time until now. She was hilarious- like really, really hilarious. She could make any situation fun and I loved her for that. I'm so glad she was part of my life and that I have all these fun memories of her. I know she is rockin' it out in Heaven right now and would think it foolish of me to shed even one tear- well maybe just one:)

This last year I have learned a few thing about what's important and what just isn't:

How fat my ass is- not important
Quality time with my children- important
What other people do- not important
My mental health- important
How clean my house is- not important
What other people think- not important
What I think about myself- really important
Yoga- important
My faith- important
Well spent time- important
Focusing on what is important- extra important
My Husband- super duper important:)

I can feel my focus in life changing. I'm realizing how quickly life really does pass and so much of what happens is completely out of my control- much to my dismay!! I want to spend my time living joyously as much as I can and not waste anymore energy on things that just really don't matter. I want to embrace the fact that I feel every emotion and feeling of the people around me instead of trying to stuff those feelings down- it can be so overwhelming!!

I am so grateful for the good friends that I have who accept me as I am. I am grateful for my family- the family that I always wanted- all the good, bad, and ugly of us- I wouldn't change it for the world.

Trick or Treat...

Halloween is quite interesting in the AK. Every year I hope it will not have snowed yet- no such luck this year. We have a thing called trunk or treat that we do at church every year. It involves everyone parking in the church parking lot and the kids going trick or treating from car to car... I hate it... we haven't been in years.

I love our neighborhood because there is real old school trick or treating. This doesn't happen everywhere in Anchorage- crazy I know!! Our neighborhood is known for King size candy bars and even hot cider and popcorn at some houses. People literally drive in from other areas and it rocks!

I have to admit I was a bit cranky this year. There was snow and Ken was working for the second year in a row- boo hiss!! Marah and I had a little squabble about wearing her winter coat. After a minute, I reminded myself that this was not something I wanted to argue about and all was well. She was also the only one who didn't complain about being cold- Kotelman stubborness in all its glory:)

Now that it's snowed at least a foot and Halloween is past- I have put up our Christmas decorations- oh yes, indeed I did. I had to compromise with Hayden to keep the tree on hold until Thanksgiving- he had some pretty good leverage since he is the one who gets down all the decorations for me from the high shelf in the garage on our very wobbly ladder!! Have I mentioned how much I love that kid!!

Stuffs...

Four words...The Hunger Games Trilogy... what on earth people!!! I've heard of these books and because of my anxiety and worry ridden nature I didn't read them when everyone else was. My desire to be completely immersed in another land took over and these are the books I've been reading over the last week and a half. How someone has this story swimming around in their head is beyond me!! Once I got past the initial shock and my poor inner self was able to get over the idea of the whole thing- I most certainly was immersed. Very interesting and lots of parallels to make in real life. I think this would be a great read for teens in school- so many possible discussions!

The little people are becoming not so little and I kind of like it. No babies to get up with, no diapers to change, everyone gets themselves ready and buckled in the car, they help with the household duties, and I have time to pursue some personal interests like my beloved yoga and piano lessons.

We've been spending every Monday morning at a place called The Learning Farm where the littles get to feed goats, chickens, horses, cows, pigs, and sheep. They are learning all about Colonial times and doing things like milking goats, making butter, soap, and dyeing wool. Lots of fun but a little chilly. Marah is usually filled with trepidation with new things- however her complete terror of the chickens was not something I expected. I tried to use my skills to talk her down but she finally said in her are you crazy voice "Just look at them Mom, how can they not be scary!!"

I am really learning to appreciate the people our older kids are becoming. I have learned so much from both of them. I knew it would be hard to let go but I had no idea how hard. One day you are changing diapers and the next they are driving and you are talking about college. Hayden is graduating this year and talking about moving out next year. I'm excited for him and so happy that his choices have opened lots of doors for him. FYI- teens are not always thrilled with getting their picture taken:)

We all miss Ryker but Jack most of all. I'm still amazed at how much child one and child five are alike in looks and personality. Ryker has taught us so much and I will be forever grateful to him- although I wish the process would have been easier I wouldn't change the lessons we all learned. He is his own man marching to his own drum. I am so impressed with the success he has been experiencing in his life over the last six months. Watching him come into his own has been one of the highlights of my life.

I've found myself telling Jack that I feel as if my heart will burst with the love I feel for our family. I'm so grateful to Ken who stuck through all the hard times and chose to grow in our journey together. My day always feels complete when I can get that little smirky smile out of him! I am forever grateful that he finds me humorous!! I think it really is true that when we have sorrow the joys are so much sweeter. I am doing my best to enjoy the sweetness without letting the worry take over- thank you yoga and a fantastic counselor!!

Ella's Corner: Ella's SMA Awareness Video

Ella Casten is a little girl of a long ago friend of ours- Mike and his wife Lindsay. Ella was recently diagnosed with SMA- a terminal disease. Although, we haven't had much contact with Mike in lots of years we know from his blog posts that he is still the kind, caring, and giving person from our youth. They need help bringing awareness to this disease so their little girl and countless other children can be cured. Please take a few minutes to meet this sweet girl and her family-


Ella's Corner: Ella's SMA Awareness Video: This one is for you. While words can be eloquent, they are inherently limited. Experiences are the most powerful influences to us. We inv...

One of my life struggles in a nutshell...

From Living Your Yoga by Judith Lasater:

"Control is our attempt to keep at arm's length our feelings of being out of control. It springs from the fear that unhappiness and death will overwhelm us. It is certain that both will find us at some time, in some place. What we get from trying to control everything-by behaving in a demanding or manipulative manner-are lives that are even more difficult. Trying to control things is seldom a satisfying experience and does not give us what we truly want: our lives in balance."

"When we feel out of control, it is usually when there is a conflict between what we think and what we feel. Our feelings may scream one thing while our minds demand something else. But our bodies, which are the storage unit for our feelings, simply cannot lie. Whatever we feel in our bodies is our truth."

Control is the greatest illusion-

One of the many reasons yoga has been life changing for me is not the physical practice itself but the philosophies behind the practice that ring so true to me. Not only has my mind been connected back to my body but I am starting to get a feel for my real spirit- and I think I might kind of like that spirit:)

Inner Angst...

Our little Jack talks all the live long day- and I am not exaggerating in the slightest!! He seems to be having quite a bit of inner turmoil lately. It all started with swim lessons- you see he has a favorite teacher- Sam- she was actually on Ryker's swim team and has grown up to be a very impressive young lady from what I can tell. Anyhoo- she was not teaching Jack's last swim session and he was not happy at all! Our conversation went something like this:

Me: Are you going to swim with your new teacher-
Jack: I want to swim but I don't want to swim-
I want to use the kickboard but I don't want to use the kickboard-
I want to use the noodle but I don't want to use the noodle-
Me: It sounds like you have some decisions to make-
Jack: I want to make a decision but I don't want to make a decision-

As he was telling me all of this his eyes were getting teary and I could see his inner struggle written all over his face. Now, in my earlier mothering years I would have put my foot down and said something along the lines of- I'm paying for these lessons and you're going to swim, or something else equally as ridiculous. However, I have learned a few things over the years- sorry children numbers one and two for my experimental or shall I say sometimes mental parenting skills- please forgive me-

I decided to just let the little guy work it out and give him all the support I could. Well, he missed the first two lessons but on lesson number three he made the decision to swim!! After we talked about it later and why he didn't want to swim in the first place he just looked at me and said:

Well, I didn't know how her skin would feel!!

Many Faces...

I've been thinking a lot lately about the timing of things. Our little Jack came to us at a time when I was questioning everything I thought I knew about myself as a person and a mother. I was certain I did not deserve him since it felt like our family was falling apart.

It didn't matter what my feelings were because this little guy was coming and what a needed blessing he has been. Just look at this face!!

No matter what is going on he always makes us laugh. He was the glue that brought our family back together. He loves everyone and loves to let you know it!!

The first thing he did when he woke up this morning was to start singing the Spiderman song. It was so funny- and brought a smile to my face at 7am- which is a near impossible task:)

He asks never ending questions with his little lisp and mouth full of an excessive amount of saliva.

He is full of hugs and always asks if I have lipstick on before he kisses me. If I answer yes then the kiss is on the cheek only!!

Every Saturday we go for a walk around Cheney Lake- just the two of us and of course Thunder. Jack talks the entire walk and says some of the most interesting things. I never have to worry about moose or bear because I'm sure they can hear him from a mile away!!

This little guy has brought me so much healing and peace. I've tried my best to enjoy every moment with him because I know what a gift he is- he helped pull me out of a darkness I thought would overtake me.

We love you Jack Andrew Kotelman!!

Necessary Endings...

Our oldest baby, the one who has made us grow the most, is taking a huge leap and moving to Chicago to attend a nationally renowned massage school- The Soma Institute. Oh, how I used to hate endings and I still kind of do... but this ending is one to be embraced because with it comes so much hope and brand new beginnings for this boy that we love so much.

It has warmed my soul over these last few months to watch how excited his brothers and sisters get when he comes over to play with them. They are already writing cards to mail to him and he isn't even on the plane!

I love my family more than words can say -as I'm sure every mother feels. Even though Ryker will be so far away we know that he will be well taken care of... spreading his wings and soaring.

It has been quite a ride with this one!!! We are so happy for him and the changes he has made to live his life doing something he believes in and we promise to continue trying to eat healthy even though he won't be around to constantly remind us:)

Thunder is really going to miss his walking buddy-

Ryker, we can't wait to hear about all your adventures, we know you can do anything you put your mind to, and we love you bunches!!

Botanical...

A couple of weeks ago there was an outdoor show at the Botanical Gardens. Ken took the kids and they met up with Paul and Laura. Laura makes these super cute flower plates!!

Looks like they had some fun chairs to sit in...

And more flower plates...brilliant idea...

And this cutie patootie...

And these delicious looking peeps...

And this little beauty...

I am one lucky mama...

Growing...

Last week we went on base to the spot where we helped plant trees last year. Have I mentioned how much I love our new camera. Seriously, it is hard to take a bad picture and I'm still in auto mode! Who knows how long it will take to figure out all the ways to use this camera to it's maximum capacity!!

These baby trees look no bigger than when we planted them. I never really thought about how long it takes to replace all the trees that get cut down. A long, long time people!!

I love pictures of our kids with Ken. It warms my heart to know that they have a dad who is involved in their lives and loves them more than anything:)

I can't believe Autumn will be nine this year!! It seems like yesterday that we were on a jet plane bringing her home- of course there was six hours of screaming on that plane so that could be why that memory is so embedded in my mind!!

Jack is so funny to me in all that he does. He was the only one who got stuck in the mud- which is not surprising at all:)

Marah chose pancakes, sausage, and eggs for her birthday dinner- I was hoping we could order pizza but I guess I'll have to wait for my own birthday for that!! She has been able to go with Autumn a few times to activity day girls at church and she loves it. This night they brought cupcakes for Marah's birthday and Autumns gotcha day.

I'm so grateful that we have these two little girls in our family. They are so sweet to each other and everyone else. They still sleep in the same bed and I love hearing them quietly talking and giggling each night.

Our big boys are doing pretty good and if you have teen-agers you know why there are hardly ever any pictures of them:) Hayden is looking for a job and anxiously waiting to get his drivers license. Ryker is most likely headed to massage school in Chicago. We are just trying to tie up a few loose ends and hoping all will go well!

Anniversary Vaycay

Ken and I spent a kid free week-end in beautiful Girdwood at the Alyeska Resort. It was glorious- beautiful weather, room service, Double Musky for dinner, hiking and most important time with the one I love the most!! We saw this interesting tree on the Winter Creek trail- there was some debate over what we thought this looked like- I'll spare you the details of that conversation.

We had fun experimenting with our new camera- I had to get the book for dummies on how to use it because there are so many stinkin' buttons!! The hike was 5 miles round trip with lots of up and down. We were a bit creaky and sore the next day but it was so worth it! Lots of yoga stretching cured our ailments!!

Ken is much braver than I am about getting so close to the edge. I have visions of plummeting to an early death. I even had a moment of fear thinking about one of the kids falling and they weren't even there!! It was only a moment so I'm improving in that area:)

I love to get away and be able to reflect about our life and things I would like to improve on and what things we are doing well with. It is so much easier to do this out in nature and without the little people- thank you Grandma!! It was nice to look back on our marriage and see how far we have come in 21 years and to be excited about our future. We have gone through a lot of stuff and I am forever thankful that Ken has not only stuck through but really put forth the effort to work together to become better people and partners. I love that goofy guy bunches!!!

Another Recital Gone By...

The girls took Jazz this year and had their recital this past Sunday. They love shakin' their groove thing! Posers!!

They are still the best of friends and always looking out for each other. I helped backstage and realized that part of this is because they are still "little" girls. Lots of the girls in their class had cell phones and nintendo ds and what I consider too much knowledge of boys and the regular world. I know they will know more of these things eventually but for now I'm going to enjoy their sweet, still little, childhood natures:)

They are really good at including Jack in all their fun even though he can be quite a handful!

I love these little peeps!! I was just thinking the other day that if we didn't have the blessing of having these little ones Ken and I would be one year away from being empty nesters- that seems crazy!

Every year I'm reminded of why we live in this place-because of summer!! I already have a bit of a sunburn!! One of the things I've been doing is going for walks where I only think about things in the present. At first this involved an inner dialogue that sounded like this: there is a tree, the leaves are blooming, the sky is blue, I see a cloud, etc, etc. Eventually, I am able to just enjoy the walk and the things that are happening right then and there. This may seem silly but it has been life changing for me!! I enjoy the time so much more, it is very relaxing, and I don't think about how many calories I'm burning- that has never happened!! I highly recommend a daily half hour walk of just staying in the present-