Christmas Emotion...

I'm so glad my kids still believe in Santa!! I know it can't last much longer but I don't want to let it go.  I've been thinking about my own childhood lately.  Marah is now the age that I was when my dad left our family on Christmas Day- I can't help but wonder how that would change her if that happened to her and how did it change me when it actually did happen to me.

I believe this is when I became a worrier.  As the oldest child I 'm sure I felt a responsibility to take care of my mom, my brother, and my baby sister.  I know that Autumn would do this- she is the oldest child of the little peeps.  I feel a sadness for the little girl that was me and how I had to grow up at the age of eight.  I feel gratitude that my kids feel joy and excitement when they think of Christmas.  I feel hopeful that our traditions- as few as they are- will be happy things my kids will remember when they are older.

I feel a kindred spirit in my niece, Ally- it will be her first Christmas without her dad.  I feel her sadness that the world she knew has changed so dramatically.  I feel hope for her because she has my sister who is strong and will guide her through her emotions.  I am grateful that in the short amount of time I have spent with Ally I could feel what a strong, sweet, and bossy little lady she is.  I know in a very real way that she will rise above this early trauma and bring Michael's qualities to the world around her- the good ones:)

The pull to be with my sister is so strong, not only will this be her first Christmas without Michael but also their wedding anniversary.  I want to run to her, hold her, and tell her everything will be fine- and I am surprised that I actually believe it will- I don't know how but I know it will.  I want to take away all of her hurt-if only that were possible!!  Instead, I look forward to February when she and I will get to spend a few days in Seattle together and strengthen each other.

This Christmas holds so much emotion for me and I will say it is exhausting at times.  My word this year was HOPE and I am relieved to report that with all that has happened I do still feel hope.  Hope in a future where grief doesn't overwhelm, hope in the days that anxiety is able to be kept at bay, hope in the sweetness of my little children, hope as I watch my big children find their ways in the world, hope in our marriage that we will continue to find strength and solace in each other, and hope for my sister and her girls that they will realize a new normal that will be filled with laughter, love, peace, and joy!!