Tirade...

Grieving is exhausting both mentally and physically.  When you add the anger that is felt when someone you love takes their own life- watch out!!  I have seen an outpouring of Christ-like love and behavior.  People who don't talk about religion but live it- let me give you some examples:
-The lawn service who upon hearing the story of Michael offered to mow my sister's lawn for free for the rest of the summer.
-The day care provider who watches my sister's girls has offered to care for the children free of charge for the whole school year- that is $1400 per month that she is giving up.
-The gift cards, checks, and condolence cards that are still coming in the mail.
-The friends new and old who continue to check in with my sister on a daily basis.
-All of the meals that were brought over.
-Friends coming to take the girls to the park just so my mom and sister can have a break.
-My mom leaving everything behind to go live with my sister and help her raise the girls.
-My brother and his wife doing whatever it is you ask.
-My therapist who no longer takes our insurance but has offered to continue to see me free of charge.
-My husband who didn't blink an eye and took great care of the kids so I could go and be with my family.
-Hayden who packed up all of my mom's stuff- and it was a lot!!

This isn't even everything but it's what is on my mind right now.  Grieving is hard and makes the everyday things even harder.  It has been overwhelming to see all the support my sister has had and to watch her living while grieving.  Some would say what choice does she have but if she took to her bed for awhile no one would blame her so it is her choice every day to get out there and live.  I am proud of her and she inspires me to do the same.

Being angry at someone who is dead is a strange thing.  Sometimes I can't tell if am I angry with events that are happening now or am I just pissed at Michael.  It could be that my tolerance for things that I usually put up with is very low-I'm not quite sure though.

Times of crisis can bring out the best in people and one thing I have noticed is that sometimes it is people who you would never expect that end up being the most giving and supportive.  On the flip side are the people who you thought would be there for you- they just aren't and it is more than a little disappointing.

I believe that we must learn from life otherwise what is it all for.  If we don't all become better because of this  situation it would feel like such a waste.  Thus far one of the things that I will try to do better is to reach out to people who are in crisis.  Whether it be with just a simple card, monetarily, or by going and doing a service for them I will not let fear or worry about doing the wrong thing stand in my way as it has in the past.

I am still having tingling and numbness issues related to anxiety, my left shoulder, upper back, and neck all hurt, I have random crying sprees that leave me with a headache, and the other day I literally could not remember my address for about 30 seconds- SERIOUSLY!!!

Good thing I am seeing Whitney tomorrow!!