A Beautiful Mess...

Life is messy and beautiful.  The problem is I have never liked messiness...like never ever.  Much of my life has been spent avoiding the messes at all cost.  I have a special power one that I've been trying so hard to hide because it is both beautiful and messy and in order to avoid the mess I have to also hide the beautiful.  I was born with a sensitive heart one that can truly feel what another feels, one that sees the plight of people especially those who others dismiss, one that feels things deeply and on a primal level and that hurts.  Because I've been trying so hard to get rid of the messy I think I have missed out on a lot of beautiful.  I need to learn to manage this special power with a bit more mindfulness- I don't want to miss any more beautiful but I don't want to be beat down with the messy-AAAHHH!!

I attended a memorial fundraiser for a girl who was beautiful- she was also pretty- but beautiful because she had a light shining from within.  I didn't know her very well but felt like I did because I saw her light and that automatically made me feel connected.  Her name was Nesi and after listening to people share their stories about her I felt a certain vindication.  I may not have know her well in her personal life but my soul knew hers.  I recognized her light and felt connected and that is why I hurt so much when she died so unexpectedly.  I was so comforted when I went to her memorial fundraiser, to see her children and family laughing together, dancing, and celebrating her life and light.  I left smiling and feeling lighter inside than I had in weeks.

This is what woke me up- I was looking for excuses all week about why I couldn't go.  I could think of many- I am an introvert and excuses of why I can't do things are a plenty!  When I finally sat quietly with myself I decided I could do the memorial fundraiser but would skip the actual funeral.  It was the right decision for me and I knew that because I felt it deep inside my soul. It would have been so easy to not find time for the quiet and to just not go but I would have missed out on the beautiful.

The quiet is hard because sometimes I don't like the answers I hear.  Some of them mean life changes that involve conflicts with those I love, doing things that make me uncomfortable, questioning things I have accepted for years, realizing that I have changed over the years and that is okay, and realizing that I need to take action on what I find in the quiet otherwise I am not living a life that is true to myself or a life that God wants me to live.  Messy, messy, messy stuff- life is for warriors- albeit in my case a gentle warrior.